Discipline Style via API

With our oldest daughter on the cusp of turning four, we have experienced our share of unwelcome behavior, tantrums, defiance, and screaming in the past year and a half. When you feel like you've run dry of ideas, where's a parent to turn for resources and help? I'm a big fan of Attachment Parenting International. I recently read a blog post discussing what our discipline style is as parents. As a side note, the word discipline comes from the same word as 'disciple' and means "to teach, to follow, to train" which reminds me of a verse in Proverbs.

Prov. 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way (s)he should go, Even when (s)he is old (s)he will not depart from it."

By means of assessing our own disciplining technique, the author suggests a list of questions to think through.

• How were you disciplined as a child?

I was born before the invention of "time-outs." My parents disciplined by means of punishment for bad behavior: sometimes a physical punishment (spanking, a slap, etc.- not to say my parents over-used this as punishment as it only happened a few times during my childhood) or when I was a bit older it was taking away a privilege (time with friends, decreased phone time, no social events).

• How did you feel/react when being disciplined?

As a small toddler/child the physical punishment was only understood by me as "Mommy/Daddy doesn't love me." I didn't connect the punishment with the "crime." As a tween and teen, losing privileges was probably more effective at curbing unwanted behavior (but not eliminating it as I still broke curfew more times than I can count).

• What would you like to do the same or differently?

Frankly speaking, I think spanking is stupid and ineffective. Multiple studies, including this one from The Attached Parent, prove that "spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. Hitting teaches that we can and should use physical coersion to get what we want. Not only does spanking teach things that are surely contrary to what we actually want it can errode the trust between parent and child too."

• What are your goals for disciplining your children?

My goals, and my mantra, are be the person you want your children to become. Disciplining does not mean punishing. Disciplining means guiding your children to make appropriate, healthy choices and to become the fullest, best, joy-filled, caring person as possible.

• What discipline issues are coming up in your household these days?

My husband and I are not in full agreement as to the means of disciplining. While we both want the best for our children, we don't always agree on which tactics will be more effective. Do we go with a more gentle approach (without becoming a permissive parent)? Or do try a punishment (such as time out) in hopes that the negative behavior will stop (without becoming a domineering parent)?

• What is causing discipline conflicts? -Child (temperament, developmental level, tired, hungry, etc.) -You (need to feel in control, unnecessary/unreasonable demands, delivery, approach, etc.)

Child. It seems like she is tired all.the.time. Recently we have wondered if she has sleep apnea or enlarged tonsils/adenoids which are interfering with her night sleep. Her behavior/tantrums seem to correspond with her being tired but the gal gets "enough" sleep at night. Perhaps it isn't good enough sleep and that is the issue.
Me. Yes. I have a need to feel in control. I have a need to have perfectly behaved children. And I'm in the process of learning to answer with grace, compassion and understanding rather than letting my emotions get caught up in the tornado of Chloe's emotions (= bad spiraling mess).

• What are your triggers? How do you express your feelings and cope with frustrations?

My triggers? The things that really get under my skin and make me go into fight/flight mode are screaming and defiance. When Chloe starts screaming, "NOOOOO!" at me, it makes me cringe and want to lash out in anger. Most of the time I clench my jaw and resist my natural inklings and respond in the gentlest voice I can find at the time.

• What are you doing well as a disciplinarian?

Depends on the day. A year ago I would've answered, "Terrible." But, now, one year wiser, I can say that we're on a learning journey. Since I started putting into practice some of the techniques I've read from Attached at the Heart and from subscribing to a parenting newsletter written by Dr. Laura Markham, a lot of the negative behavior has been prevented by deeply investing in my childrens' emotional needs and by responding to those needs with compassion.

• What do you wish you were doing differently?

If I could pick the one thing I want to change the most, it would be to stop "losing it." I can easily get caught up in the emotional turmoil and it's at these moments that I stop guiding the emotions and start losing the path I want to lead us on.

I believe we need to look to God and His Word for direction on how to be great parents. These children, afterall, are a gift from Him and we want to honor God with our choices as parents and disciples. It's necessary to pray for and with our children in addition to asking God to give us wisdom in dealing with the challenges of parenthood. I'm so thankful for parenting resources that align with the teachings of the Bible and I will continue to look to these resources on this parenting journey. Parenthood is not only a high calling, it's also a lot of work!