Apparently I'm getting old

I realized I am starting to get old. For real, I've got bags under my eyes and wrinkles in the creases. Check out the picture! The other morning for breakfast I had two hard boiled eggs with a cup of coffee. Isn't that what old people eat? But the thing is, that is what I wanted for breakfast.

I'm also starting to grasp the notion of how quickly time passes. Wasn't I just 19, a sophomore in college, hanging out with my friends until 2am? Now the only time I see past 10:30pm is when I've been awoken by a toddler or a preschooler who need something in the middle of the night. And I'm tired the next morning because of it.

On the cusp of turning 30, I feel as if I am embracing and enjoying life so much more. And the idea of getting older is actually quite inviting. I've heard this phrase that says something like, "The older you get, the more you realize you don't know," and it's turning out to be true. But the not knowing does not bring anxiety or fear. It's more of an anticipation of things to come. If the past 30 years have brought about this much enjoyment and adventure, imagine what's next!

I recently read a great blog post (from my favorite blog!) about the tired 30s. How this stage of life is usually one in which you have small children, a home to manage and a marriage to bloom. In other words, it's filled with busyness. There's very little time to sit down. And it's exhausting.

But isn't it exciting?! These babies grow up so quickly and there's so much I want to enjoy during this stage of my life. With trips to museums, outings to everywhere (from the Mall of America, the zoos, park dates), and the general pouring into these babes to help shape them into compassionate, kind and wonderful human beings, there's hardly time in the day to pause. Which is why I blog. So I don't forget. Because obviously the older you get, the less you can remember. Or is that just me? ;)
Here's one more photo that really shows off my smile lines! Bring it on!

Annie

Annie and I are sipping tea in this early morning {still} dark. She keeps chirping away, describing everything that she's doing or thinking. She has officially reached the age she has a daily word count quota to fulfill and she's a constant stream of words. I'm so glad I have girls :)
Her newest and apparent favorite phrase is, "No more monkeys jumping on the bed," from the book about the five little monkeys which sounds like, "No mo monkeys jump n bed." She must have repeated that phrase about 50 times today and every time Chloe and I would look at each other and smile. Then Chloe would say, "Isn't that cute, mom?"

It sure is.



In the last six weeks, she has gotten six more teeth. The shape of her face is less round and squishy and with the approach of the back molars is changing to a more narrow shape. Some days I can't get over how much she looks like her daddy.

It's true, my baby is no longer a baby. She's a toddler.



It's bittersweet watching your babies grow up. And it goes so fast.

Fight for Joy

This has been such a long week: Chloe had hives, Annie got the stomach flu again, I've been up all night every night, and a I'm single-parenting going on week 6. While making pancakes this morning, I just kept thinking: How do I fight for joy? I'm so frustrated and exhausted. Annie has been screaming for the past hour and a half and there's nothing I can do to get her back to sleep (even though that's exactly what she needs). I'm in tears. And my husband is six time zones away and our only connection is via skype. I just want to drop the kids off with Grandma and hop on the next flight to Mexico.

Then Chloe starts singing, "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart."

:I wish I had the joy down in my heart:

So I start singing along (despite Chloe's protests that I can't join in). We start making it funnier by shouting, "WHERE?" "down in my heart..."

Pretty soon my face erupts in a giant smile as my four year old has just ministered to my soul in a way no other could. My fight for joy was found in a song sung for many generations by kids in Sunday school. Through the voice of my sweet Chloe, God melted my frustrated heart and gave me renewed joy.

Where? Down in my heart!

I am blessed. I can bless.

I'm on a hunt. A hunt to see God in everything. To find him in the laughter and squeals of my precious girls. To see Him in the weathered hands of a farmer/engineer/handy-man. To rejoice in Him when my best friend's husband receives his dream job and they finally get to move to the place their heart desires. To lean on him when I'm going on week 4 of being a single parent and need enough strength and patience to last through the day.

And I'm counting these gifts; all the way to 1000 and beyond. Inspired by the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, my perspective is gradually changing. Writing down the gifts is helping me not only reflect on how God is here, with me, in all of these moments, but how He is blessing me in all of seemingly trite moments of grace and life.

"It's not the gifts that fulfill, but the holiness of the space. The God in it... This is supreme gift, time, God Himself framed in moment." Voskamp, pg. 69

Reading through my journal from the beginning of the year, the themes are easy to gather: empty, tired, overwhelmed, broken, impatient. When I look back at my journal from January through March, I realize I was barely surviving; in fact, most days just hanging on.

But the thing is, I don't just want to survive this stage of my life. Yes, motherhood is exhausting and challenging but I knew that it could be more. And I wanted more. More joy. More life. More laughter. More fun. I didn't want to miss seeing God in this journey and I didn't want to miss the joy of raising my daughters.

Enter: One Thousand Gifts.

It's not the circumstances that have changed since starting the Gift List. In fact, the circumstances have become more challenging in the past few months with job losses, family separation, VISA processing times prolonged, feeling as if we don't have the wisdom to make the right decisions, etc. My perspective is what has changed. And counting the gifts, the small moments in each day that are God-filled joy, has brought about the paradigm shift.

Here's a peek at my list:
114. Annie kissing the kitty
117. Seeing 2 loons on Lake Calhoun
118. unexpected, free guacamole from Whole Foods!
120. after several phone calls and lots of prayer, Will's passport arriving in the mail the day before our flight leaves!
121. a lunch date with a cousin I hadn't seen in two years
122. Chloe proclaiming, "God did it!" when talking about the passport arriving
126. getting through the airport hassle-free
131. drugs to make children sleepy on long-haul flights
132. an extra free seat on the airplane
137. a shower. the feeling of freshness after a long journey.
140. chasing pigeons through St James Park in London
142. the kindness shown by strangers who helped us lift up the stroller a few steps
144. sweet, sleepy Annie cuddled up in the sling
149. blissful sleep in the English countryside: windows wide open
152. a day out at the Skegness seaside
154. ice cream cones on a hot summer day
158. sitting on the grass in the warm sunshine reading a book
161. Chloe playing with the little neighbor girls
164. warm strawberries fresh from the patch
167. line-dried laundry
169. a baking lesson from Nana
170. the girls playing tea party at Great Nana's house
177. greeting friends who picked us up from the airport and gave us a ride home
179. a good night's sleep
185. the smell of wood on freshly laid planks on the boardwalk
187. coming face to face with beauty herself - a mommy doe and her Bambi
189. prayer walks
192. a great older sister who plays with my girls while I tutor her brother
193. playdate at the art museum
200. Annie saying "shoo bug" while standing near the lavender bushes, nose to nose with the bees
202. free tickets for rides at the MOA
205. after 10 years, he still surprises me
212. squeezing into a preschool class at the last minute
217. after a scary trip to the ER with Annie, so thankful that she'll be okay
220. my sister taking Chloe out for ice cream while I stay in the hospital w/ Annie
223. Harvest Moon
228. a $10 gift card to Office Max and I need a new printer
231. finishing the course for the K-12 Reading Licensure
233. Chloe referring to her friend, Lily, as her sister
235. Annie meowing at the cat every time she sees her
238. gaining confidence and realizing how strong and capable I am as a mother
240. talks at night in the kitchen with my sweet friend (how I'm going to miss her!)

When I see my life through the lens of blessedness, I cannot feel discouraged. It's impossible. I just feel really, really lucky and grateful and thankful.

Because I'm so blessed, I too can bless.

So this is the new challenge in my journey to joy: to find one person every.single.day who needs a little bit of my time, or a little bit of my money, or a little bit of my encouragement and to find God in the faces of each of these people.

The grandmother I met today, I pray that she (and the four mouths she feeds) feels blessed and loved by God.

I pray that the cycle of blessing never stops.