Why do we do what we do?

I just got a phone call to set up an interview, which will be the third interview I've had in one week (all different schools/companies). While researching daycare options for my children and realizing that even if I work full time as a substitute teacher, my take home pay will be minimum and I will lose out on the time I treasure with my small children. As a substitute you only get paid per day and for the number of days you work. Daycares, however, require you to pay per week regardless of how many days your children are physically there. So in essence, I could be paying more than I actually make.
Then I read an article published by Science Mag titled "Human Hearts Beat Together" which made me realize that a baby's mother is absolutely irreplaceable by any other care giver in the world, no matter how talented s/he is. I also recently read a different article citing that currently only 20% of families are considered "traditional" in that the mother (or one parent) stays home with the children. Meaning that the other 80% of families have dual working parents.
It's got me thinking. Why do we do what we do?
Why go back to work? Why stay home with the kids? Is it purely financial?
So, please tell me, why do you work? Do you enjoy what you do? Why do you stay home? Do you find your role(s) fulfilling? If you were to find out that your time left on earth is drastically limited, would you be happy with the choices you've made or are making?
Please comment either within the blog or on facebook.
THANKS!

Sometimes

This blog post is inspired by Kristen over at We are That Family!

Sometimes I let Chloe watch a movie for her rest time just so she won't nap during the day and go to bed at 7:30 instead.

Sometimes I make cookies just so I can eat the dough.

Sometimes I pretend not to hear Annie in the middle of the night in the hopes that she'll just fall back asleep.

Sometimes I watch an episode of Glee while doing the dishes or folding laundry (in fact, that was me last night).

Sometimes I wait until the kids are in bed (or out of sight) and sneak in a piece of chocolate just so I don't have to share.

Sometimes, after playdates, I thank God for my kids and am glad I don't have to deal with "those other" children.

Sometimes I eat cereal for supper, especially if the husband is not around.

Sometimes I roam around Target by myself just because it's nice going at my own pace and getting to the checkout counter with nothing opened!

Sometimes I don't answer the door if there's a salesperson waiting to chat. Lesson learned: I'm a sucker.

Sometimes I feel like a great mom who has it all together and sometimes I feel like a complete failure!

Anyone else have anything to confess?

Discipline Style via API

With our oldest daughter on the cusp of turning four, we have experienced our share of unwelcome behavior, tantrums, defiance, and screaming in the past year and a half. When you feel like you've run dry of ideas, where's a parent to turn for resources and help? I'm a big fan of Attachment Parenting International. I recently read a blog post discussing what our discipline style is as parents. As a side note, the word discipline comes from the same word as 'disciple' and means "to teach, to follow, to train" which reminds me of a verse in Proverbs.

Prov. 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way (s)he should go, Even when (s)he is old (s)he will not depart from it."

By means of assessing our own disciplining technique, the author suggests a list of questions to think through.

• How were you disciplined as a child?

I was born before the invention of "time-outs." My parents disciplined by means of punishment for bad behavior: sometimes a physical punishment (spanking, a slap, etc.- not to say my parents over-used this as punishment as it only happened a few times during my childhood) or when I was a bit older it was taking away a privilege (time with friends, decreased phone time, no social events).

• How did you feel/react when being disciplined?

As a small toddler/child the physical punishment was only understood by me as "Mommy/Daddy doesn't love me." I didn't connect the punishment with the "crime." As a tween and teen, losing privileges was probably more effective at curbing unwanted behavior (but not eliminating it as I still broke curfew more times than I can count).

• What would you like to do the same or differently?

Frankly speaking, I think spanking is stupid and ineffective. Multiple studies, including this one from The Attached Parent, prove that "spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. Hitting teaches that we can and should use physical coersion to get what we want. Not only does spanking teach things that are surely contrary to what we actually want it can errode the trust between parent and child too."

• What are your goals for disciplining your children?

My goals, and my mantra, are be the person you want your children to become. Disciplining does not mean punishing. Disciplining means guiding your children to make appropriate, healthy choices and to become the fullest, best, joy-filled, caring person as possible.

• What discipline issues are coming up in your household these days?

My husband and I are not in full agreement as to the means of disciplining. While we both want the best for our children, we don't always agree on which tactics will be more effective. Do we go with a more gentle approach (without becoming a permissive parent)? Or do try a punishment (such as time out) in hopes that the negative behavior will stop (without becoming a domineering parent)?

• What is causing discipline conflicts? -Child (temperament, developmental level, tired, hungry, etc.) -You (need to feel in control, unnecessary/unreasonable demands, delivery, approach, etc.)

Child. It seems like she is tired all.the.time. Recently we have wondered if she has sleep apnea or enlarged tonsils/adenoids which are interfering with her night sleep. Her behavior/tantrums seem to correspond with her being tired but the gal gets "enough" sleep at night. Perhaps it isn't good enough sleep and that is the issue.
Me. Yes. I have a need to feel in control. I have a need to have perfectly behaved children. And I'm in the process of learning to answer with grace, compassion and understanding rather than letting my emotions get caught up in the tornado of Chloe's emotions (= bad spiraling mess).

• What are your triggers? How do you express your feelings and cope with frustrations?

My triggers? The things that really get under my skin and make me go into fight/flight mode are screaming and defiance. When Chloe starts screaming, "NOOOOO!" at me, it makes me cringe and want to lash out in anger. Most of the time I clench my jaw and resist my natural inklings and respond in the gentlest voice I can find at the time.

• What are you doing well as a disciplinarian?

Depends on the day. A year ago I would've answered, "Terrible." But, now, one year wiser, I can say that we're on a learning journey. Since I started putting into practice some of the techniques I've read from Attached at the Heart and from subscribing to a parenting newsletter written by Dr. Laura Markham, a lot of the negative behavior has been prevented by deeply investing in my childrens' emotional needs and by responding to those needs with compassion.

• What do you wish you were doing differently?

If I could pick the one thing I want to change the most, it would be to stop "losing it." I can easily get caught up in the emotional turmoil and it's at these moments that I stop guiding the emotions and start losing the path I want to lead us on.

I believe we need to look to God and His Word for direction on how to be great parents. These children, afterall, are a gift from Him and we want to honor God with our choices as parents and disciples. It's necessary to pray for and with our children in addition to asking God to give us wisdom in dealing with the challenges of parenthood. I'm so thankful for parenting resources that align with the teachings of the Bible and I will continue to look to these resources on this parenting journey. Parenthood is not only a high calling, it's also a lot of work!

Mother's Day 2011

My husband and children spoiled me this Mother's Day!! How lucky am I to have such an amazing and loving family? Blessed indeed.
The day began by being served breakfast in bed! (actually I got up to get Annie when she awoke, but then I nursed her in our bed and then got to stay there... for a little while) My husband made me a pot of decaf coffee (yum!) complete with milk, sugar and cinnamon and then he served me warm bagels with peanut butter and the best part was the chocolate-covered strawberries!! On the tray with my breakfast was a little jewelry box. Inside the box was a beautiful pair of emerald earrings with three little diamonds on the top! Emeralds are Annie's and my birthstone and since I have a necklace with Chloe's birthstone (sapphire), Will decided to get me earrings with Annie's. Such a thoughtful and lovely surprise!



After Annie's morning nap, we headed out to Minnehaha Falls and park area. The weather was starting to look cloudy, but we braved it! We had a picnic (in the wind) and then walked over to the falls with a little hike to see the falls close up. Our camera battery died, so we don't have any of us near the falls, but here's a few pictures that we did get!

Annie and me enjoying our picnic

The girls, including Cinderella, having our sandwiches, salad and fruit!

Happy Mother's Day!!!!

3 Cheers!

Annie slept for an 8 hour stretch last night!!! WHOO-HOOO!!! Granted it was from 6:30pm - 2:30am but this is the longest stretch ever! I nursed her and then she slept until almost 6am!

To read more about our sleep journey click here and here and here!

Having a child who doesn't sleep well, sleep can become an almost obsession. Wanting to read books about sleep by sleep experts (and there are many - all with different researched-based perspectives), scouring the Internet looking for tips from other people in baby/parenting forums, writing down techniques and coming up with sleep plans.... it all seems so exhausting. But not nearly as exhausting as NOT actually sleeping.

Earlier this week, I participated in a Live Health Chat via The Chicago Tribune's website which featured two of the leading sleep experts and pediatricians: Dr. Marc Weissbluth and Dr. Bob Sears. They have very different perspectives on night time sleeping.

Dr. Weissbluth, in his book Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child gives parents a solution to the child's night-waking (assuming that night-waking is a problem) with the premise that a baby can and should sleep well and through the night and a well-rested child is not only a happy child, but one who can function with full potential. He is the doctor who coined "sleep training." His approach is definitely met with resistance as he advises parents to let their child "cry-it-out" in order to learn to self-soothe with the aim that the child will no longer need nighttime visitors.

Dr. Bob Sears (along with several members of the Sears family) advocate for the Attachment Parenting lifestyle. In his book The Baby Sleep Book he explains that nighttime waking in babies and children is normal and that they should be parented to sleep - i.e. rocking, nursing, singing, shushing, etc. - and that when the child awakens in the night, the child should be attended to. Crying is not necessary and could trigger feelings of abandonment and learned helplessness ("Nobody is coming to me when I signal for help = Nobody cares about me"). And that the high level of stress hormone in the body (cortisol) could alter the normal brain functions of the child.

So what's a parent to do???

I'm definitely more of an Attachment Parenting kind of mom (babywearing, breastfeeding, highly attuned to my children's emotional radars), but while participating in this chat, I found Dr. Weissbluth to actually be more helpful! Even though I won't be letting Annie "cry-it-out", Dr. Weissbluth's comments on baby sleep were actually constructive and practical. One of the things I took from this chat was that Annie could be waking up frequently because I'm putting her to bed too late. She was going to be between 7-7:30. Sounds reasonable, right? Well, last night my little cherub was fast asleep by 6:30pm. And although she made a few noises and cries, she settled down by herself and went back to sleep. And she never cried for more than a few minutes (until 2:30am which is when I went in to nurse her).

I'm still aiming for Annie to be able to put herself to sleep and stay asleep for longer stretches of time, but for today, I'm going to rejoice that she got a beautiful 8 hours in a row!!

Reminder

I just sent my husband a text message that read, "remind me again why i'm a stay at home mom..."
Since my eldest woke up this morning, she has done nothing but fight with me at every opportunity she can find. Getting her dressed this morning was an all-out battle complete with tears and wailing. And it was only 9am. If I said "circle", she said "square". If I said "Let's play trains", she said "I don't want to." No matter what I suggested we do, she found a reason to say NO! So at some point I stopped giving choices and said, "After Annie's nap we are putting on our shoes and heading to the Y! Mommy needs to workout!" [the subtext saying that mommy really needs to drop you off with someone else for a while before I go nutty]
After we got home from the Y and had lunch, it was nap and rest time. Well of course Chloe found every stinkin' excuse in the book to stall. She left her Cinderella doll in the car and absolutely couldn't rest without it. So she dashed out of bed, put on her shoes and went out to the car to retrieve the beloved princess. While out in the garage, she decided to open the garage door and have a little ride on her bike. Seriously?! Despite the fact that we've had about a foot of snow in the last few days, riding bikes when it's supposed to be rest time is NOT a great idea...
By the time I put her in her room with a harsh reminder that she is not to come out until her CD is over, I was beyond frustrated. Hence the text message to the husband.

Fast forward to post nap (which yes, she did finally succumb to). It was time for her to wake up so I went into her room and started whispering her name. She rolled over, all warm and sleepy eyed with hair matted to the side of her cheek. She looked at me and smiled and then in the sweetest, perkiest little voice said, "I had a nice long nap and now I'm not grumpy anymore!"

Parenting 101

From the moment I first learned I was pregnant with my daughter, well over four years ago now, I had visions of what parenthood would be like. There would be long walks in the sunshine, splashing our feet in the water of the nearby lakes and creeks, picnics, playdates with friends, teaching my cherubs about life, love and God, and lots of cuddle time while reading books. While this has all come to continuing fruition, what I failed to imagine is the rest of life.

I failed to realize that some (okay, my) babies don't sleep. This has been a huge source of frustration and contention and has caused more than a few words of anger to be uttered in our house. Neither my husband nor I are fighters. We are both peacekeepers by nature (except that one time my husband got threatened to be put on a "No Fly" list because of his demeanor towards the Delta desk assistant at the airport.... but that's a story for another day). However, in the throes of severe sleep deprivation and a baby screaming in your ear every hour and a half throughout the night, even the most gentle of creatures reaches a breaking point.

Nobody told me about the toddler tantrums that give you flashbacks from the movie "The Exorcist." A few weeks back (actually the very last time I picked Chloe up from real preschool) my firstborn had a meltdown that literally frightened me (and Annie). She was screaming, crying, thrashing about on the floor, and I thought her eyes might pop out of her scull from all the sounds that were coming out of the whole of her 32 pounds. I used all of the tricks that usually work to coax her back into stability to no avail. We had to wade out this storm - and it was tumultuous. It was because of this (and a few other reasons) that we decided to pull her out of playschool altogether and begin an interesting journey as a homeschooling family. (more on that later)

I wish I had known that with children everything takes longer and other things are impossible. To get in 35 minutes of exercise at the Y, the entire trip there and back takes at least an hour and a half. Usually 2. The getting into winter gear (keep in mind it takes near bribing to get Chloe to even put her socks on), strapping into carseats, the walk into the building, checking into the drop-off kidcare, then my workout (35-40 minutes of glorious "me" time!), back to pick them up, back into the winter gear, back to the car and then back home. I'm sweating before I even start the real workout.

Time with the husband is greatly diminished when a child or two comes into the family. Children are a great blessing and such a wonderful picture of "when two become one" but unfortunately, that means that the initial two people who started this whole thing have a lot less time together. Shortly after we welcomed our first child into our family, I had to grieve the loss of my relationship with my husband. Not that we didn't have a relationship anymore, because we did, but it was very different. He was now husband and daddy; I was now wife and mommy. When we were able to have some peaceful moments together, just the two of us, we had to learn how to see each other again in our new roles. I'll never forget our first date after Chloe was born. She was two months old and my mom came to babysit (because when you're a new parent, the only person you trust to babysit your precious newborn is one of your own family). We had tickets to see the broadway performance of The Lion King at the theatre. I was so anxious about leaving my new little baby. Questions such as, Would she be okay? What will happen if she cries and can't be comforted? Will my mother cope with this child? were swimming through my mind. My stomach was in knots. It was the first time in months that I put on makeup and got all dressed up and I was nervous. When we got to the theatre and found our seats we looked at each other, I mean really looked at each other, for the first time in 2 months. And it was like first date awkward. We had just been co-existing and trying to navigate this new chapter in our lives. We had been on survival mode. And now, on our date, was the first time we got to remember the people we used to be when we got a full night of sleep. From there, we started learning how to adjust to the newness of being both parents and lovers.

While I would never change the last four years for anything in the world and while my heart bursts with the love I have for my children, parenting is so much harder and different and tiring than I thought it'd be. I'm still learning and have a lot more visions of what I want my children to become. But, who knows? Maybe the next post about parenthood can be titled Parenting 102.