This has been such a long week: Chloe had hives, Annie got the stomach flu again, I've been up all night every night, and a I'm single-parenting going on week 6. While making pancakes this morning, I just kept thinking: How do I fight for joy? I'm so frustrated and exhausted. Annie has been screaming for the past hour and a half and there's nothing I can do to get her back to sleep (even though that's exactly what she needs). I'm in tears. And my husband is six time zones away and our only connection is via skype. I just want to drop the kids off with Grandma and hop on the next flight to Mexico.
Then Chloe starts singing, "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart."
:I wish I had the joy down in my heart:
So I start singing along (despite Chloe's protests that I can't join in). We start making it funnier by shouting, "WHERE?" "down in my heart..."
Pretty soon my face erupts in a giant smile as my four year old has just ministered to my soul in a way no other could. My fight for joy was found in a song sung for many generations by kids in Sunday school. Through the voice of my sweet Chloe, God melted my frustrated heart and gave me renewed joy.
Where? Down in my heart!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
I am blessed. I can bless.
I'm on a hunt. A hunt to see God in everything. To find him in the laughter and squeals of my precious girls. To see Him in the weathered hands of a farmer/engineer/handy-man. To rejoice in Him when my best friend's husband receives his dream job and they finally get to move to the place their heart desires. To lean on him when I'm going on week 4 of being a single parent and need enough strength and patience to last through the day.
And I'm counting these gifts; all the way to 1000 and beyond. Inspired by the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, my perspective is gradually changing. Writing down the gifts is helping me not only reflect on how God is here, with me, in all of these moments, but how He is blessing me in all of seemingly trite moments of grace and life.
Reading through my journal from the beginning of the year, the themes are easy to gather: empty, tired, overwhelmed, broken, impatient. When I look back at my journal from January through March, I realize I was barely surviving; in fact, most days just hanging on.
But the thing is, I don't just want to survive this stage of my life. Yes, motherhood is exhausting and challenging but I knew that it could be more. And I wanted more. More joy. More life. More laughter. More fun. I didn't want to miss seeing God in this journey and I didn't want to miss the joy of raising my daughters.
Enter: One Thousand Gifts.
It's not the circumstances that have changed since starting the Gift List. In fact, the circumstances have become more challenging in the past few months with job losses, family separation, VISA processing times prolonged, feeling as if we don't have the wisdom to make the right decisions, etc. My perspective is what has changed. And counting the gifts, the small moments in each day that are God-filled joy, has brought about the paradigm shift.
Here's a peek at my list:
114. Annie kissing the kitty
117. Seeing 2 loons on Lake Calhoun
118. unexpected, free guacamole from Whole Foods!
120. after several phone calls and lots of prayer, Will's passport arriving in the mail the day before our flight leaves!
121. a lunch date with a cousin I hadn't seen in two years
122. Chloe proclaiming, "God did it!" when talking about the passport arriving
126. getting through the airport hassle-free
131. drugs to make children sleepy on long-haul flights
132. an extra free seat on the airplane
137. a shower. the feeling of freshness after a long journey.
140. chasing pigeons through St James Park in London
142. the kindness shown by strangers who helped us lift up the stroller a few steps
144. sweet, sleepy Annie cuddled up in the sling
149. blissful sleep in the English countryside: windows wide open
152. a day out at the Skegness seaside
154. ice cream cones on a hot summer day
158. sitting on the grass in the warm sunshine reading a book
161. Chloe playing with the little neighbor girls
164. warm strawberries fresh from the patch
167. line-dried laundry
169. a baking lesson from Nana
170. the girls playing tea party at Great Nana's house
177. greeting friends who picked us up from the airport and gave us a ride home
179. a good night's sleep
185. the smell of wood on freshly laid planks on the boardwalk
187. coming face to face with beauty herself - a mommy doe and her Bambi
189. prayer walks
192. a great older sister who plays with my girls while I tutor her brother
193. playdate at the art museum
200. Annie saying "shoo bug" while standing near the lavender bushes, nose to nose with the bees
202. free tickets for rides at the MOA
205. after 10 years, he still surprises me
212. squeezing into a preschool class at the last minute
217. after a scary trip to the ER with Annie, so thankful that she'll be okay
220. my sister taking Chloe out for ice cream while I stay in the hospital w/ Annie
223. Harvest Moon
228. a $10 gift card to Office Max and I need a new printer
231. finishing the course for the K-12 Reading Licensure
233. Chloe referring to her friend, Lily, as her sister
235. Annie meowing at the cat every time she sees her
238. gaining confidence and realizing how strong and capable I am as a mother
240. talks at night in the kitchen with my sweet friend (how I'm going to miss her!)
When I see my life through the lens of blessedness, I cannot feel discouraged. It's impossible. I just feel really, really lucky and grateful and thankful.
Because I'm so blessed, I too can bless.
So this is the new challenge in my journey to joy: to find one person every.single.day who needs a little bit of my time, or a little bit of my money, or a little bit of my encouragement and to find God in the faces of each of these people.
The grandmother I met today, I pray that she (and the four mouths she feeds) feels blessed and loved by God.
I pray that the cycle of blessing never stops.
And I'm counting these gifts; all the way to 1000 and beyond. Inspired by the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, my perspective is gradually changing. Writing down the gifts is helping me not only reflect on how God is here, with me, in all of these moments, but how He is blessing me in all of seemingly trite moments of grace and life.
"It's not the gifts that fulfill, but the holiness of the space. The God in it... This is supreme gift, time, God Himself framed in moment." Voskamp, pg. 69
Reading through my journal from the beginning of the year, the themes are easy to gather: empty, tired, overwhelmed, broken, impatient. When I look back at my journal from January through March, I realize I was barely surviving; in fact, most days just hanging on.
But the thing is, I don't just want to survive this stage of my life. Yes, motherhood is exhausting and challenging but I knew that it could be more. And I wanted more. More joy. More life. More laughter. More fun. I didn't want to miss seeing God in this journey and I didn't want to miss the joy of raising my daughters.
Enter: One Thousand Gifts.
It's not the circumstances that have changed since starting the Gift List. In fact, the circumstances have become more challenging in the past few months with job losses, family separation, VISA processing times prolonged, feeling as if we don't have the wisdom to make the right decisions, etc. My perspective is what has changed. And counting the gifts, the small moments in each day that are God-filled joy, has brought about the paradigm shift.
Here's a peek at my list:
114. Annie kissing the kitty
117. Seeing 2 loons on Lake Calhoun
118. unexpected, free guacamole from Whole Foods!
120. after several phone calls and lots of prayer, Will's passport arriving in the mail the day before our flight leaves!
121. a lunch date with a cousin I hadn't seen in two years
122. Chloe proclaiming, "God did it!" when talking about the passport arriving
126. getting through the airport hassle-free
131. drugs to make children sleepy on long-haul flights
132. an extra free seat on the airplane
137. a shower. the feeling of freshness after a long journey.
140. chasing pigeons through St James Park in London
142. the kindness shown by strangers who helped us lift up the stroller a few steps
144. sweet, sleepy Annie cuddled up in the sling
149. blissful sleep in the English countryside: windows wide open
152. a day out at the Skegness seaside
154. ice cream cones on a hot summer day
158. sitting on the grass in the warm sunshine reading a book
161. Chloe playing with the little neighbor girls
164. warm strawberries fresh from the patch
167. line-dried laundry
169. a baking lesson from Nana
170. the girls playing tea party at Great Nana's house
177. greeting friends who picked us up from the airport and gave us a ride home
179. a good night's sleep
185. the smell of wood on freshly laid planks on the boardwalk
187. coming face to face with beauty herself - a mommy doe and her Bambi
189. prayer walks
192. a great older sister who plays with my girls while I tutor her brother
193. playdate at the art museum
200. Annie saying "shoo bug" while standing near the lavender bushes, nose to nose with the bees
202. free tickets for rides at the MOA
205. after 10 years, he still surprises me
212. squeezing into a preschool class at the last minute
217. after a scary trip to the ER with Annie, so thankful that she'll be okay
220. my sister taking Chloe out for ice cream while I stay in the hospital w/ Annie
223. Harvest Moon
228. a $10 gift card to Office Max and I need a new printer
231. finishing the course for the K-12 Reading Licensure
233. Chloe referring to her friend, Lily, as her sister
235. Annie meowing at the cat every time she sees her
238. gaining confidence and realizing how strong and capable I am as a mother
240. talks at night in the kitchen with my sweet friend (how I'm going to miss her!)
When I see my life through the lens of blessedness, I cannot feel discouraged. It's impossible. I just feel really, really lucky and grateful and thankful.
Because I'm so blessed, I too can bless.
So this is the new challenge in my journey to joy: to find one person every.single.day who needs a little bit of my time, or a little bit of my money, or a little bit of my encouragement and to find God in the faces of each of these people.
The grandmother I met today, I pray that she (and the four mouths she feeds) feels blessed and loved by God.
I pray that the cycle of blessing never stops.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Just Enough
Fall, for me, is a fresh beginning. A time to reflect on the past year and a time to evaluate the upcoming season of life that is drawing upon us. A new year, if you like.
Recently in my time with God, friends, reading books, conversations, and in prayer I keep being drawn to the idea of just enough. What does it mean to live with just enough? To have just enough (time, resources, stuff, capacity to love, ability to make a difference)? To eat just enough? To make just enough money?
Then, yesterday, I came across this verse in Proverbs 30:8 which was, coincidentally, the same verse that a friend was just talking about a day before:
and it goes on to say in verse 9 "Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the Lord?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God."
In a country filled with affluence contrasted with deep poverty it's easy to visualize both scenarios: having too much and forgetting the giver of all good gifts (therefore acting with no regard to the well-being of others) and having too little and living in bondage to poverty and hunger. With a prayer asking God to give me only my daily bread, that means just enough for the day so that I will continue to remember and thank Him for his provisions; no more, no less.
While reading the book Reshaping It All by Candace Cameron Bure (remember DJ from Full House? yeah, her), she led us to a verse also found in Proverbs but in chapter 25 verse 16:
Recently in my time with God, friends, reading books, conversations, and in prayer I keep being drawn to the idea of just enough. What does it mean to live with just enough? To have just enough (time, resources, stuff, capacity to love, ability to make a difference)? To eat just enough? To make just enough money?
Then, yesterday, I came across this verse in Proverbs 30:8 which was, coincidentally, the same verse that a friend was just talking about a day before:
"give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread"
and it goes on to say in verse 9 "Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the Lord?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God."
In a country filled with affluence contrasted with deep poverty it's easy to visualize both scenarios: having too much and forgetting the giver of all good gifts (therefore acting with no regard to the well-being of others) and having too little and living in bondage to poverty and hunger. With a prayer asking God to give me only my daily bread, that means just enough for the day so that I will continue to remember and thank Him for his provisions; no more, no less.
While reading the book Reshaping It All by Candace Cameron Bure (remember DJ from Full House? yeah, her), she led us to a verse also found in Proverbs but in chapter 25 verse 16:
"if you find honey, eat just enough."
Eating just enough to fuel my body and satisfy my hunger and not so much that I feel like over-full. One of my goals in this 'new year' is to eat until I'm satisfied rather than until I'm already full (because by then, it's too much!).
Cleaning through the contents of my entire house was a great lesson in learning what I truly need to live. Does a person really need that many shirts? How many sets of dishes is enough for a family? [just one set, thank you]. How many pairs of shoes do I really need? [this was the hard one...]. How much stuff do I need to live comfortably? The answer was surprisingly less than what I had originally thought.
How much space does a family really need? I know of families of six that live in a house the size of my current bedroom. All together. Tight squeeze. As we're on our way to England, we will be downsizing from a 2400 sq.ft. house to a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom flat (apartment) which will be enough for our family of four.
The monetary monthly income we currently have is half of what it was a year and a half ago. We learned during that time of plenty to live on just what we need and to give the rest. So now, we are living the same lifestyle but (unfortunately) don't have as much to give away to great organizations/people/ministries. Thankfully we are nearly debt-free (except for our house) and we have learned to discipline ourselves and our spending habits.
As Westerners, it's difficult to not get wrapped up in the idea of living the "normal" lifestyle. Our house, by Western standards, is "perfect" for our family. In addition to the master bedroom with a bathroom and walk-in closet, each child has her own bedroom, we have a sizable kitchen and a cozy living room in our upper level and we have a family room/school room along with an office and an extra bedroom and bathroom for guests in the lower level of our house. Right now we have a family of four living with us - now I finally feel like our space isn't wasted.
I'm enjoying this journey of learning how to live with just enough. To be contented and crazy-happy and free in the knowledge that what I have is my daily bread and I need not worry about what tomorrow will bring (although I'm kind of hoping it will bring my VISA. just sayin'). My prayer is the same as the wise man who wrote the Proverb: give me neither too much nor too little; only just enough for this day so that I will continually praise You.
Cleaning through the contents of my entire house was a great lesson in learning what I truly need to live. Does a person really need that many shirts? How many sets of dishes is enough for a family? [just one set, thank you]. How many pairs of shoes do I really need? [this was the hard one...]. How much stuff do I need to live comfortably? The answer was surprisingly less than what I had originally thought.
How much space does a family really need? I know of families of six that live in a house the size of my current bedroom. All together. Tight squeeze. As we're on our way to England, we will be downsizing from a 2400 sq.ft. house to a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom flat (apartment) which will be enough for our family of four.
The monetary monthly income we currently have is half of what it was a year and a half ago. We learned during that time of plenty to live on just what we need and to give the rest. So now, we are living the same lifestyle but (unfortunately) don't have as much to give away to great organizations/people/ministries. Thankfully we are nearly debt-free (except for our house) and we have learned to discipline ourselves and our spending habits.
As Westerners, it's difficult to not get wrapped up in the idea of living the "normal" lifestyle. Our house, by Western standards, is "perfect" for our family. In addition to the master bedroom with a bathroom and walk-in closet, each child has her own bedroom, we have a sizable kitchen and a cozy living room in our upper level and we have a family room/school room along with an office and an extra bedroom and bathroom for guests in the lower level of our house. Right now we have a family of four living with us - now I finally feel like our space isn't wasted.
I'm enjoying this journey of learning how to live with just enough. To be contented and crazy-happy and free in the knowledge that what I have is my daily bread and I need not worry about what tomorrow will bring (although I'm kind of hoping it will bring my VISA. just sayin'). My prayer is the same as the wise man who wrote the Proverb: give me neither too much nor too little; only just enough for this day so that I will continually praise You.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Surprises
After 10 years, my husband still has the ability to surprise me.
My VISA didn't come. After waiting and peeking out the window every time I heard the sound of an engine that could be the UPS truck, it never arrived. I had to call the airline and change my flight to this coming Friday. I'm still hoping and praying that it will come as Friday is the airline's last flight to London for the season.
My husband did come. Thursday night, after my house was spotlessly clean, thanks to my mom and my two aunts, exhausted, I sat down to check my email (again, just in case the consulate sent me an email saying my VISA/passport was on its way). To my surprise there was an email from my husband with a flight itinerary attached and a question asking, "Can you pick me up around 6pm? Want Papa Murphy's for supper?"
WHAT?!!
Since it was a three-day weekend in the UK, he decided to find a cheap, last minute flight and come home for the weekend. What a guy! So the girls and I picked him up from the airport Friday night and drove to Papa Murphy's to get our take-n-bake pizza for supper that evening. We were all so excited to see him and we had a fun weekend together. The picture is of Will and Annie standing next to the giraffes at the zoo on Saturday.
Sadly, we dropped him off at the airport this evening and it absolutely broke my heart when Annie kept crying, "Dada! Dada!" as we drove off :(
If it's meant to be, my passport/visa will arrive this week. If it doesn't, then I guess we'll come up with a new plan for the fall. We're praying for God to lead the way and for us to be attentive to His leading!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sometimes
This blog post is inspired by Kristen over at We are That Family!
Sometimes I let Chloe watch a movie for her rest time just so she won't nap during the day and go to bed at 7:30 instead.
Sometimes I make cookies just so I can eat the dough.
Sometimes I pretend not to hear Annie in the middle of the night in the hopes that she'll just fall back asleep.
Sometimes I watch an episode of Glee while doing the dishes or folding laundry (in fact, that was me last night).
Sometimes I wait until the kids are in bed (or out of sight) and sneak in a piece of chocolate just so I don't have to share.
Sometimes, after playdates, I thank God for my kids and am glad I don't have to deal with "those other" children.
Sometimes I eat cereal for supper, especially if the husband is not around.
Sometimes I roam around Target by myself just because it's nice going at my own pace and getting to the checkout counter with nothing opened!
Sometimes I don't answer the door if there's a salesperson waiting to chat. Lesson learned: I'm a sucker.
Sometimes I feel like a great mom who has it all together and sometimes I feel like a complete failure!
Anyone else have anything to confess?
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Freakin' Out
Can I just be completely honest? Well, yes, I can because this is my blog.
I am freaking out.
Why you ask? Because of this:
and
This is what our closets look like as of yesterday.
And now we have to find somewhere to deposit this:
My husband's flight leaves for England tomorrow at 4pm and he starts his new job in London on Monday. The girls and I will still be here, at our house in MN, awaiting my spouse visa approval and praying in faith that we will get to arrive in the UK on August 27th, a week later than Will. Once Will gets to London, he has appointments and viewings set up so that we can find a place to rent/live.
The only things we have left in our closets is what I'll be transferring into suitcases when the time comes.
The idea of all of the unknown (not knowing when my visa will arrive, having no place to live, not having any friends close by, still needing to register the girls as British, getting Chloe set up for preschool, etc.) and grieving the comfort of the known (house, friends, knowing the family/kid-friendly places in our area) is causing me to freak out a bit. Well, kind of a lot.
Thankfully when it feels as if my world and my head are spinning, I can hold on to the truth found in Philippians 4 verses 4 - 7:
I am freaking out.
Why you ask? Because of this:
and
This is what our closets look like as of yesterday.
And now we have to find somewhere to deposit this:
My husband's flight leaves for England tomorrow at 4pm and he starts his new job in London on Monday. The girls and I will still be here, at our house in MN, awaiting my spouse visa approval and praying in faith that we will get to arrive in the UK on August 27th, a week later than Will. Once Will gets to London, he has appointments and viewings set up so that we can find a place to rent/live.
The only things we have left in our closets is what I'll be transferring into suitcases when the time comes.
The idea of all of the unknown (not knowing when my visa will arrive, having no place to live, not having any friends close by, still needing to register the girls as British, getting Chloe set up for preschool, etc.) and grieving the comfort of the known (house, friends, knowing the family/kid-friendly places in our area) is causing me to freak out a bit. Well, kind of a lot.
Thankfully when it feels as if my world and my head are spinning, I can hold on to the truth found in Philippians 4 verses 4 - 7:
"Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it will not worth the effort. I'm going to keep praying and giving my fears to the Lord and He will bless me by listening and understanding. Moving my family across an ocean and six time zones is not easy [the packing itself is very tiring]. But just because something is not easy doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. So, here we go! England, here we come!
Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it will not worth the effort. I'm going to keep praying and giving my fears to the Lord and He will bless me by listening and understanding. Moving my family across an ocean and six time zones is not easy [the packing itself is very tiring]. But just because something is not easy doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. So, here we go! England, here we come!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Nana's Almond Tarts
During our trip to England, one of the highlights for me included my baking lesson with Will's Nana. She makes these delicious and highly addictive almond tarts that I just had to know how to re-create! Since then, Chloe and I have made them in our kitchen and for your pleasure, I will share the recipe.
Step One: Recruit a cute helper to help you measure, dump and stir
Step Two: Make a simple shortbread crust
* 6 ounces of flour
* 3 ounces of vegetable lard or margerine
* water
Mix the flour and marg. together until it looks crumbly. Add water by the tablespoon until it gets to the consistency of dough (or in my amateur case: like play dough)
Step Three: Roll and cut out the dough
* Lightly flour a hard work surface and roll the dough out flat until it is thin (between 1/8" and 1/4")
* Use a cookie cutter or the top of a glass to make circular shapes
* Gently place the cut-out circles into a muffin tin
Step Four: Make the almond filling
* in a small mixing bowl, stir/whisk/beat with a mixer one egg white until it's stiff with 2 ounces of sugar, 2 ounces of ground almonds and 1 tsp of almond essence.
Step Five: Fill the tarts
* put about a 1/2tsp of jam (any flavor you want) on top of the tart inside the muffin tin
* put a heaping tsp of the almond mix on the top
Step Six: Put a thin cross of pastry across the top
Step Seven: Bake at 350 degrees (or as Nana says, "a moderately hot oven") until set and lightly brown (about 12 minutes)
Step Eight: Take out and enjoy!!
Four generation of Yates' can't be wrong: these almond tarts are tasty!!
Step One: Recruit a cute helper to help you measure, dump and stir
Step Two: Make a simple shortbread crust
* 6 ounces of flour
* 3 ounces of vegetable lard or margerine
* water
Mix the flour and marg. together until it looks crumbly. Add water by the tablespoon until it gets to the consistency of dough (or in my amateur case: like play dough)
Step Three: Roll and cut out the dough
* Lightly flour a hard work surface and roll the dough out flat until it is thin (between 1/8" and 1/4")
* Use a cookie cutter or the top of a glass to make circular shapes
* Gently place the cut-out circles into a muffin tin
Step Four: Make the almond filling
* in a small mixing bowl, stir/whisk/beat with a mixer one egg white until it's stiff with 2 ounces of sugar, 2 ounces of ground almonds and 1 tsp of almond essence.
Step Five: Fill the tarts
* put about a 1/2tsp of jam (any flavor you want) on top of the tart inside the muffin tin
* put a heaping tsp of the almond mix on the top
Step Six: Put a thin cross of pastry across the top
Step Seven: Bake at 350 degrees (or as Nana says, "a moderately hot oven") until set and lightly brown (about 12 minutes)
Step Eight: Take out and enjoy!!
Four generation of Yates' can't be wrong: these almond tarts are tasty!!
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